Pregnancy

If I’m too busy to blog while I’m pregnant, how am I ever going to blog once Leo and Zoe arrive?

That question is one of the many that is seriously stressing me out here at the 29 week mark. I feel like I have to get some kind of update written here, but I fear it will be mostly random thoughts. Oh well, here it goes.

We had a successful trip to OCON and to visit Adam’s parents. I felt great when we arrived, but by the end I was really dragging. Adam’s dad is doing as well as can be expected – he’s tough. OCON was not nearly as great for me this year as it was last year. That was partially due to the content of the courses, but the fact that we had Sam with us had something to do with it as well. She spent enough time with babysitters that I was able to take a few courses, but I found that I actually enjoyed the time I spent with her and Adam, just hanging out at the beach or the pool, even more than the conference. And the babysitting situation was so fluid that it was like putting together a puzzle every day. That stressed me out. So, the trip was not one of my favorite vacations, but I’m still glad I had the chance to go, mostly for the social aspect. Finally meeting Lynne and Stephen in person was something I would not have wanted to miss! And there were other new and interesting people to talk to, and so many of my friends that I see so rarely. There were a few that I promised to catch up with at the closing banquet, but alas, Sam lost it that final night and had a meltdown of epic proportions. I ended up spending the evening with her in our hotel room, getting shoes and trash cans thrown at me and protecting myself by putting her in the closet and holding the door closed. After she calmed down I consoled myself with two desserts from room service.

Speaking of sugar, I failed my glucose tolerance screening test, which just means that I have to do another, longer test. I’m almost positive that I don’t have gestational diabetes, but I’m pissed that I have to do the longer test. It means fasting for 8 hours then sitting around at a lab for 3 or 4 hours after drinking some super-sweet liquid. Oh, this is going to be torture. Not being able to eat for that long is seriously scary.

Otherwise, everything is still normal with the pregnancy. Leo and Zoe happen to both be head-down right now. I’m hoping they remain that way so I have a chance at a vaginal delivery. Today, I scheduled my “just in case” C-section for September 15. It struck me quite suddenly that that could be their birthday. And it’s highly unlikely that they’ll be born any later than that. That’s two months and one day from now. Wow.

I’m finally starting to experience many of the difficult symptoms of pregnancy with twins. I could list off a bunch of annoying problems here, but really, nothing is so terrible. I’m tired and have some pains and it’s hard to sleep. But I’m healthy and so are my babies. I’ll get through it.

The home improvement projects continue. We got two bathrooms mostly finished. This week we installed recessed lighting and new lights in both of the kids’ rooms. Next week work begins on the master bath, which is going to take about eight days to complete. Then we have to paint a few rooms, put everything back its place, and set up the nursery. I still have a lot of supplies to buy for the babies, but I don’t want to do it too early because there is nowhere to put anything right now. We have a stroller and car seats in the living room, boxes of tile in every hallway, a toilet in the dining room, and cans of paint everywhere. It’s been like this for a long time and it’s really starting to get to me. I hate environmental chaos, and I really need to peace out and rest right now. Sam is going to full-day summer camp for the next two weeks starting on Monday, so I’m going to try to spend as much time as possible out of the house and away from the chaos. I need to find a place with free Wi-Fi and actually put my iPad to use for something other than Barbie movies. My new Kindle will be put to good use as well.

Well, that’s all I can think of. Maybe I’ll remain in my daytime clothing long enough today so that Adam can snap a photo of me when he gets home from work. But the pajamas always seem to call to me immediately after dinner. That’s the one time that I do seem to do a good job at relaxing. After Sam goes to bed, I typically get right into bed and stay there until I go to sleep. Lying down is heavenly. It’s almost 6pm now. Only two hours to go…

Back in February and March, I was so concerned about whether I’d be able to make the trip to OCON at 27 weeks pregnant with twins. And now we’re leaving tomorrow. Woohoo! I can’t believe I’m really here, in this place right now.

Everything in this pregnancy is going right. There are no signs of any health problems for me or for Leo or Zoe. There are no signs of pre-term labor. I’m not unduly uncomfortable, as some warned that I might be by this time. All tests are normal. Both babies measure exactly where they should be, and they are pretty much the same size (which is important). There’s just no reason to worry.

But still, I do. I guess I’m not going to have a totally blissful pregnancy. I’m approaching the end game and now and my worries have just shifted from miscarriage to genetic defects to premature delivery – all groundless. Oh well. I’m doing the best I can. I don’t dwell on my worries, but beating them down does take away from the overall joy of the whole experience. I still can’t say out loud, “I’m having two babies” without a tiny qualifier going off in my head: “I hope.” It’s a tiny, weak voice, but it is always there. I suppose some people live with that voice in their head for everything they do in life. That is sad. It should not be normal. But I can see how repeated tragedies can do that to a person. It will probably take years of work for me to expunge these bad experiences from my sense of life, but that is my goal. It’s still just a little too soon.

Anyway, before we go to OCON, we’re visiting Adam’s parents in Florida for a couple of days, and then after OCON we’ll drive back and see them again. I haven’t mentioned it here before, but Adam’s dad is sick. He was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer about two months ago. There is no such thing as recovery from pancreatic cancer. We don’t know how much longer we’ll have with him, but he is fighting hard for as much time as he can get. So we’re trying to see them as often as possible right now.

I’ve never gone through an illness of a loved-one before. I used to fear it. Now that it’s happening, the fear is gone. It just is what it is. And we’re doing what we can. Right now, Adam’s dad is here and we’re busy loving and valuing him. All the sadness and grief is there, but I’m also experiencing the stereotypical feeling of a greater appreciation for life. With the babies coming, life and death are in stark relief for me right now. It’s kind of an amazing place to be. And I think, if I continue to use my mind to process all of this properly, it will all help to achieve that goal of banishing the irrational fears and returning to a more benevolent perspective on life. In fact, I think that ultimately all of this that I’ve gone through in the past few years is going to help me achieve more peace and more happiness than I ever had before.

Life is good.

Again, I have no time for blogging. We are in the middle of remodeling two bathrooms now, and it is way more chaotic than I had anticipated.  As I stated on Facebook today, I have moved out of the “I need to get as much done before the babies arrive” phase, and am now on to the “I need to eliminate as many projects as possible as soon as possible” phase. I only have about 2 or 2 1/2 months left and I need a break before those babies arrive. Yikes!

Okay, I’m calling it. This is officially my third trimester. I can’t remember when the third trimester is supposed to start, but I’m not going to make it to 40 weeks anyway, so I’m calling it.

Everything is still going great. Leo and Zoe are doing their thing – growing and swallowing and peeing and hiccuping and kicking me in the bladder. Actually, that might be the most interesting part about this pregnancy so far – the movement of the babies. It turns out that even in the womb, you want them on the same schedule. Otherwise, they take turns kicking and you can’t sleep. I have no control now, but once they are born, those kids are going to eat and sleep together, I tell you!

The movement is awesome. I can tell who is who most of the time. Leo is low and deep, so I feel his movements on my internal organs. Zoe is higher up and closer to the front, so I feel her against my flesh. Her movements are so strong that I can rest a coffee cup on my belly and it will jump all around. Leo’s movements are so strong that he has caused me a bit of incontinence on more than one occasion. I mean, a sudden blow to the bladder can be quite surprising! Adam has been able to feel movement by resting his hand on my belly once, but it took an hour. Of course, that was the one hour that both kids decided to nap.

I have gained over 30 pounds now. I feel huge. It’s not really the belly, but just the weight. I was heavier than I had ever been before I got pregnant, so it really is a strain on my body. While in Florida, I swam while pregnant for the first time ever. I finally know why so many pregnant women love it. It was such a relief to be so much lighter. Lying down helps to spread the weight around, but water is the best. But when I finally got out (after two hours), I could barely get myself out of the pool. I could not believe how heavy I felt. I felt the strain in all my muscles and my knees and my feet. It made me realize just how much work it really is, just getting around now.

My knees have been bothering me for a few weeks now. I’ve been trying to bend my knees and lift with my legs instead of my back, as they always advise you to do, but I can tell that the strain on my knees is not good. Tonight, I squatted down to get a tupperware container from a low shelf and learned the meaning of “my knee just gave out.” Actually, it didn’t really happen. My knee didn’t give out – it just almost did. I could feel that something was about to bust in there, and I was just lucky that it didn’t, and that I got a warning. So I can no longer bend my knees to pick things up off the ground. And that’s a big problem because I’m so clumsy I drop everything. I dropped two out of my three vitamins this morning before getting them all in my mouth. I drop my car keys at least once a day. Sunglasses, receipts, shoes, you name it – I drop it. So I had to find a new way to bend down, and the giraffe method was the only thing I could think of.

Yes, I’m in my third trimester. I am a fat giraffe.

We’re headed to Florida for a quick visit with Adam’s parents. I thought I’d have a few blog posts written this week, but alas…

The best I can do is leave you with a 24 week photo.

I have officially entered the phase of pregnancy known as the buying-stuff-mester.

Adam and I have been to IKEA twice over the past two weekends, and we need to go back again next weekend. I spent $350 at Toys-R-Us today, just picking out a few things on my list like bottles, towels, sheets, blankets, etc.

I usually love shopping, but this is exhausting. We spent six hours at IKEA the other day and I had to take a three hour nap when we got home. Three hours at Target and Toys-R-Us on a 95 degree day made me feel like my legs would give out. I suppose that such fast weight-gain is really taking a toll on my muscles. My lung capacity has also shrunk already. I wish I had been in better shape to begin with (although I wasn’t in horrible shape). I briefly considered taking up my Curves workout again during pregnancy, but the biggest problem with that is time. I have no time for such inconsequential matters.

Tomorrow I have my last monthly OB appointment. From now on, I’ll be going every two weeks (until the end when I go every week). I was lucky to get away with so few appointments up until now. Some OBs go with bimonthly appointments from the start with twins. But not mine.

I have to say, I am very, very pleased with my doctor. I found him by accident during my third miscarriage, when I was between doctors and needed someone to do the D&C. I basically just looked him up on the internet and called and begged him to take on my case. He got me through the last two miscarriages and I liked him enough to stick with him for the pregnancy. He is a high-risk OB, and I think he’s a bit of an interventionist when it comes to the delivery, but I could care less about that for this pregnancy. With twins, there’s not much point in having a birth plan. I’ll argue if he wants to induce me for no good reason, or give me pitocin to speed up labor, or give me an episiotomy, but otherwise, I pretty much have to do what he and the hospital folks say. I’ll probably have to deliver in an OR, even if I deliver vaginally with no complications. I also think they might require me to get an epidural (but I’m checking on that) which I assume is for the purpose of being prepared for a C-section (which I think is about a fifty/fifty proposition). That all sounds reasonable to me.

What I like about my OB, though, is that he doesn’t buy into the “any risk is unacceptable” school of thought. He has not given me one bit of advice about diet, he has not recommended that I do Kegels, he has not warned me off of alcohol, cigarettes, caffiene, or sushi, and he even tells me that sleeping on my back is ok. I’ve asked him about some of these issues, and instead of giving me the usual, blanket “avoid that behavior,” he explains the precise risk of each concern and gives me his advice about it. (I also hate doctors who will give you statistics and then just say, “you decide.” Sorry, but your job as a doctor includes giving me recommendations. Just don’t treat me like a moron.)

He is also very good about helping both Adam and me through some of our worries due to our history. For instance, before we went in for the 20-week ultrasound, he warned us that the doctor might tell us about some “anomalies” that sound very scary when you have no context for them. One that I recall had something to do with a particular measurement that means an increased chance of Downs’ Syndrome. The u/s doctor might tell us about that measurement, but neglect to tell us that five other measurements made during the u/s were normal, and when you put all six together, we come out of the room with a lower chance of Downs than we had going in. We ended up having no anomalies at all, but it would have been a great comfort if something like that had come up.

Tomorrow I’ll get to see Leo and Zoe again for the first time in a month. I’ve missed seeing them. Oh, if you missed the comments in my 22 Weeks post, you should check it out for more on the reasons for our name choices (including what “Leo” is short for). Now that we’ve let the cat out of the bag, and also started calling the babies by their names, we’re even more sure that these will be their names. My only problem with the names is that I never got the chance to sit down and browse through the baby-name books and make lists and that whole thing. I loved doing that with Sam. But, I just can’t imagine finding any names we’d like better, so I think it’s settled.

I missed my last weekly pregnancy update and I’m late this week. There’s not too much going on with my pregnancy right now, I suppose.

A Bad Thing: I went for my first prenatal massage and had to fill out a form. I’ve had a bunch of prenatal massages at this place before and they never made me fill out a form before. Anyway, when they found out that I had had four miscarriages, they said that they need a doctor’s note to give a massage for a high-risk pregnancy. Then they sent me home. I was humiliated and hurt. I actually am having a high-risk pregnancy – because I’m having twins! But my miscarriages are irrelevant now since I used an egg donor. I tried to explain this to them, but they have their little liability form and they’re going to stick to it. But that’s not really the thing that made me so upset. I think I got upset because I felt like they were telling me something they thought I didn’t know. Like, “Oh, didn’t you know that you’re probably going to lose your babies if you have a massage? So sorry, honey. Why don’t you go home and lie in bed?” I don’t know. I can’t say why it was so upsetting, exactly. But getting my doctor to fax a note is going to take at least a week or two and I want that goddamn massage. It just seems so unfair.

A Good Thing: I happened upon a yard sale and bought a bunch of clothes for the baby boy. I’ve never bought boy clothes before. I’m going to have a son! This little thing made it even more real for me.

We’re making progress on all the preparations. We got a couple of bouncy seats free from another mom of twins. It’s fun to be part of this little community of parents of multiples. We’ve gotten rid of almost all of the junk in our house that we’ve been carting around, not using, since we lived in Michigan. I love giving stuff away using Craigslist. I found a guy to remodel our bathrooms, which is the biggest project that MUST get done before the end of August. It looks like I’ll get it done, and that will be quite an accomplishment since these projects usually take me 6-12 months to complete. We have a good plan and a shopping list for everything else. We have a ton of work ahead of us this summer, but I think we can do it.

And we’re pretty sure we have the names picked out. It’s possible we’ll change our minds, but these were the names we picked out before we even knew it would be a boy and a girl. They seem to be sticking, and Sam is now referring to the babies by their names, so maybe there is no going back.

Leo and Zoe it is.

We’re having a boy and a girl!

It’s as certain as you can get while they’re still inside. We saw their relevant parts over and over again during an hour-long ultrasound, as well as having seen them last week at the OB. Two doctors and one ultrasound technician all came to the same conclusion. Check it out for yourself:

I’m walking on air today!

Of course, this is what we had hoped for, but even if we were having two girls or two boys, it’s awesome just knowing. It makes all the difference in the world to me to know their sexes. They have identities now. No more Thing 1 and Thing 2, and we can even dispense with Baby A and Baby B. There is the boy (formerly known as Thing 1 or Baby A), who is lower down, and in a head-down position right now:

And there is the girl (formerly known as Thing 2 or Baby B), who is up higher on the left, and in a breech position right now:

Everything is normal. This was the big, diagnostic ultrasound – the one where we discovered the problems with my first pregnancy – so it was a milestone for us to get through it. I was a bit nervous throughout, but it was also just incredibly awesome to be able to sit and observe our two future children for a solid hour. They were moving around the whole time, too. We saw them yawn. We saw their arms and legs moving around. We saw their four-chamber hearts beating. The coolest thing is that we got to see them drinking the amniotic fluid. Both of them just opened up their mouths and clearly swallowed. The boy’s bladder was empty when we began the scan, but after he drank, the tech went back to check and it was full. Awesome!

The tech tried to get us some 3D images, but there was just too much movement in there, and they’re too close. Who cares, when you get to see one picture like this:

So, things have been changing quickly lately. I’m growing like crazy, as I mentioned before. I’m starting to grow out of the smaller maternity clothes that I had from my pregnancy with Sam. There is about a pound of baby in me right now (half a pound each) but I’ve gained about 15 pounds. That’s really not all that much, and when I think about how big I was at 20 weeks with Sam, I’m not really all that huge after all. But that will change.

Other things are happening, too. I feel a lot of pressure on my cervix, but the doctor checked and everything is good. It’s just that the boy happens to have his head jammed right there. The girl’s head is what has been causing me to feel movement high up. Her head is way up on my left side, pretty much at my waistline. My bladder feels like I’m in my third trimester. It’s squished so it doesn’t hold much, and it’s hard to release everything in there properly. I think my lung capacity has shrunk – one flight of stairs does me in. The size of my belly is becoming a physical impediment – already it’s harder to reach my feet, and harder to get up from deep chairs or from lying down. I’m also getting nosebleeds (not gushing) and tingly hands, which are normal pregnancy symptoms.

But, really, I’m feeling great. I’m actually feeling better than I did a few weeks ago. There was a kind of awkward stage there for a while, where my body seemed to be adjusting. Now, even though I’m bigger, it feels more comfortable. And I’m really enjoying feeling the babies move. I’m finally back to loving pregnancy! It probably won’t last long, though, because with twins, things can get uncomfortable pretty quickly.

Tonight, I went to a meeting of my local Mothers of Multiples group. It was a meeting for new and expectant moms, and it was fun and helpful. Some things were scary – like the woman who had six pediatrician visits in five days, plus a trip to the ER, just because a bad cold was making the rounds in her home. But most of the women weren’t freaking out, and they seemed sane, and some of them even bragged about getting their babies to sleep through the night or, at least, on the same schedule. I asked the group if I was crazy to consider travelling when six months pregnant (assuming I get the doctor’s ok). Almost all of them thought it would be doable if there was no medical reason not to travel. But they did warn me that I might  not want to – I might just be too exhausted from lack of sleep or plain old fatigue. It depends. One woman was 20 weeks along and she said she was in constant pain already. Another said that she cancelled a trip at five months because she would have had to bring along so many pillows and wedges to help her sleep it would have been ridiculous. I know I probably shouldn’t predict how I’ll feel, but so far, all of my pregnancy experience tells me that I’m going to feel ok. The day before Sam was born, I was squatting, lifting, and bending while boxing up packages for an eBay business that I had started. I was also walking the dog every day in the middle of summer. I was a bit uncomfortable, but it was really not a big deal. I know I won’t be like that if I make it to 38 weeks with twins, but, if I’m feeling this good now, I don’t see why I won’t feel like that at 28 weeks, for OCON.

Anyway, for now, I’m just going to try to enjoy this pregnancy while it lasts. I feel sorry for all men, who will never get to experience growing a life in their bodies. The only experience I could imagine that might compare is seeing the earth from space. It’s something that strips away every mundane aspect of life and shows you the essence of what it means to be human. With pregnancy, you get to experience the more animal side of human nature (especially during the birth!). I imagine a trip into space would concretize the rational side. If I’m lucky, I’ll get to do both in my lifetime, but right now I’m enjoying what I’ve got.

I didn’t realize just how nervous I was about the Things until the OB’s office called me on Wednesday and delayed my appointment until this morning. One whole extra day to wait was stressful. I hardly slept last night. But everything is fine!

I made Adam come to this appointment because I was so nervous and I’m really glad that I did because we found out. WE FOUND OUT! We know if we’re having boys, girls, or one of each. But we’re not telling you. At least, we’re not telling you until next week when we have the big diagnostic ultrasound which will give us a more official report. Do you really think I could keep my mouth shut about this for any longer than that? I thought it was hard to wait that extra day for this appointment but it might be even harder to go a whole week with a secret like this.

I just had my first pregnancy mani-pedi to celebrate. And no, the pink nail polish is not a clue.

While we were in Italy, I was totally paranoid about the Things. We walked so much and I was hungry so often and I didn’t get enough sleep – how could they have possibly survived all of that? I feel like I barely did.

And no matter how much I told myself that I was being irrational, the fear would not go away. I could banish it for a time, but it would always come back. I’d remind myself about pregnant women in Africa who must get little to eat, and women in the Middle Ages who probably worked themselves half to death and still had healthy babies. Then I’d feel better – until I had a gas pain or something which obviously meant that things had gone terribly wrong.

I’m exaggerating a bit. It didn’t ruin my vacation or anything, but I guess just being out of my controlled environment stoked my uncertainties. I’m already feeling better now that we are home, but I won’t feel fully comfortable again until my next doctor’s appointment on Thursday.

I am definitely feeling movement in there now, but I can’t even enjoy that. I only feel movement on one side, and it seems too high up. It also seems to happen only when I’m straining myself, which doesn’t seem right. Again, I hope to feel better after Thursday.

But none of that fear stopped me from drinking cappuccino every day, and a glass of wine (or two!) every night. I mean, I can only allow my irrationality to go so far!

One thing that does give me some comfort is that I am growing! I was right to be nervous about what clothing to bring on the trip; my last pair of non-maternity jeans fit me when I left, but now it’s not even close.

I was hoping to have a photo of my growing belly for you this week, but I just didn’t get around to it. Hopefully I’ll remember to have Adam take one tonight.

Remembering. What a challenge! That seems to be my main pregnancy symptom right now – remembering simple things like words or important events. I’ll tell you, it’s a lot better than nausea or fatigue. I can actually find a lot of humor in it.

My ob visit last week was awesome! I went alone. I wasn’t nervous. Well, only a little bit. Since he is a high-risk obstetrician, my doctor has a 4D ultrasound machine that he uses routinely, so I got to see my little Things moving around in three dimensions! They’re still pretty small and they were very active, so they mostly just looked lumpy. I couldn’t really see their faces, but that’s probably a good thing, since they still look more like aliens than humans at this point. Still, it was exciting!

I gained eight pounds in the past month. Finally! I’m not sure how I did it because I don’t feel like I’m eating all that much. I still have to force myself to eat. I don’t seem to be receiving the hunger signals from my body. Most food is not appetizing until I put it in my mouth, and that’s when I finally realize that I was indeed hungry. But I worked really hard at habitualizing eating, and apparently, it’s working. I really hope this changes. I miss the wonderful hunger of pregnancy.

Now, I am officially done with the first trimester. The Things are each about the size of my fist, and weigh about an ounce. Sure, they still look a bit alien, but at least the tails are gone, and the ears are now on their heads instead of their necks, and their eyes have moved from the sides of the head towards the front. Good stuff like that. I’m enjoying reading about their development each week. That part never gets old.

Adam and I seem to both be moving towards hoping for a boy and a girl. This might be because we stumbled upon names for a boy and girl. I have no idea what we were talking about, but we were just chatting in the car the other day, and somehow we blurted out these two names. I’m not going to tell you what they are, because we might not end up with a boy/girl set, and because we might change our minds. But still, now that we have these names hovering in our consciousness, it’s hard not to hope that it will work out that way.

I’m still catching up from all the time I spent lying in bed, so it’s hard to keep blogging. There is a ton of stuff I would love to write about, but I just can’t take the time. Right now I have to stop and go take a shower. I’m down to showering every other day, and I missed yesterday, and I only have a half hour before I have to pick up Sam, and I really stink. That’s another pregnancy symptom – you get really stinky. Or is it just that my nose is more sensitive? Either way, I’ve got to go!