Pregnancy

Now, finally, after all this time, I have reached the stage of pregnancy when most people make it public. Twelve weeks! It’s also my birthday today. Happy 41 to me!

I had my first trimester screening yesterday, which consists of an ultrasound and a blood test. The ultrasound results were normal, but I’ll get the full results by the end of the week. It’s not something I’m worried about. But the ultrasound was great. Both babies are totally normal and looking good! We got to see Thing 1 moving around again (Thing 2 must have been napping), and we could see arms and legs and more detail in the skulls. I only had one moment of panicky fear when the ultrasound began, but otherwise, it was a positive experience. I had the test at my infertility clinic and it was nice to see some of my old buddies there, who were full of congratulations and well-wishes. Here are the Things:

Thing 1

Thing 2

In Thing 2′s picture, you can see the head of Thing 1 in the upper-left. That’s the first time we were able to see both of them in one image, which was really cool. As Adam says, if they think it’s crowded in there now, they have a big surprise coming.

My extreme fatigue continues, and it actually might be a bit worse lately. My goal every day is just to get through it. I’m having a hard time blogging because if I have a spare moment, I almost always spend it in bed, and even when I’m at my computer, I’m in a kind of fog all the time. I still haven’t booked our museums in Italy, which has been at the top of my to-do list for at least a month. It doesn’t help that we’ve been traveling and Sam has started swim lessons, both of which have interfered with our naps. I can’t seem to cook a meal – we’re living on fast food and take-out right now. This morning I really had to get to the supermarket but taking a shower completely wore me out and I had to take a nap at 8:30am before I could leave the house. At the market I bought a ton of pre-prepared food – hopefully that will help me get through this.

My appetite finally kicked in about a week ago. I’m still not eating outrageous amounts of food, but I’m definitely taking in more calories than I need just for myself. I finished my jar of pickles and I don’t crave them anymore. Maybe I’ll get some fun, crazy cravings later on. For now, the thing I want most is milk. I can’t drink enough milk.

I signed up with a program my insurance company offers for pregnancy. If I fill out their surveys and go to the dentist once during pregnancy, I don’t have to pay my co-pay at the hospital. They also send me all kinds of pregnancy information, and of course I got a huge package from the ob-gyn, too. I remember reading all of that stuff during my first pregnancy but this time it totally bores me. I’m much more interested in all the information I can find about twins.

My belly is growing, too. I still fit in some of my regular jeans, which surprises me, but I’m down to two pairs, and I still haven’t pulled out my old maternity clothes. That is tonight’s project, if I can stay awake long enough.

12 Weeks

I am so busy right now that this might be my only post this week.  And today isn’t really 10 weeks – it’s 9 weeks and 6 days – but Sam is napping and I finished the other absolutely critical things that had to get done today, so now is the time to blog.

Anyway, I’m 10 weeks along now.  Close enough, anyway.  Still no nausea, but I have had more episodes of feeling unbearably cold.  My bloodwork shows normal red cell counts, so I’m not anemic.  I suppose it’s just my own, personal, pregnancy symptom.  It isn’t such a bad one, as these things go, but we spent the weekend in Williamsburg and our hotel’s heater wasn’t working well and it was awful.

I forgot to report on all of the things I learned at my OB visit last week.  The best thing was that we got to see one of the Things move!  It did a half-flip right there in front of us during the ultrasound!  It was awesome.  The doc says it’s not totally clear which one is Thing One and which one Thing Two anymore, so I don’t know which one it was that we saw move.

Despite a visible belly and my previous history of gaining a pound a week in early pregnancy, I still have not gained any weight.  This is not a concern, and I’m actually quite happy about it.  But I’ve heard that gaining 100 pounds is not unusual.  That scares the crap out of me.

I had feared that I was going to have to go in for routine prenatal exams more often than every month in the beginning, but luckily, that is not necessary.  What will happen is that, around 20 weeks, they’ll start testing me (I think weekly) for fetal fibronectin.  This is a substance that is almost always present before a woman goes into labor, so a negative result is valuable as a way to rule out the likelihood of me going into preterm labor in the next week.  A positive test doesn’t necessarily mean I’m going to go into labor, but if other symptoms are present, we’d take precautionary measures such as bedrest and steroid injections to help the babies’ lungs develop more quickly.  The situation from about 20 weeks on is going to be very fluid.  I have to be prepared for bedrest, and possibly even hospital stays.  I already knew this, so it’s no surprise.  But I am disappointed that I might not be able to go to OCON in July, when I’ll be about 27 weeks along.  Adam is giving a course so he’s going for sure, and we’ll plan for me to go, but we’re going to have to be flexible.

I’m having a first trimester screening test in two weeks – it’s a standard test to screen for Down’s Syndrome and some other common problems.  The OB actually tried to talk me out of it because the risk is so low with 29-year-old eggs, but I don’t see any downside in doing the test.  The false positives have been greatly reduced (and the test is done earlier) since I was pregnant with Sam.  I’m going to take advantage of modern medicine!

My parents have booked the RV park nearby for the month of September, so hopefully they’ll be here for the birth.  Now I have to check with Grandma Mossoff about coming in October.  I need coverage, people!  Come visit and help me out!

My appetite has increased a bit since last week.  Our trip to Williamsburg was a work thing for Adam and we were being hosted by some people – they took us out to dinner and hosted a brunch and all that kind of stuff.  The first dinner was at a rec center where the kids got to play on moon bounces, and dinner was pizza.  I was starving, but pizza was not going to cut it for me.  I ate two pieces but didn’t bother eating more.  I needed real food.  The best I could do was a chicken sandwich from a fast food joint afterwards.  And for the brunch, we were served bagels and pastries and other breads.  I had eaten a light breakfast beforehand just in case, but all that bread was just useless for my body.  Again, I had to go out and get a hamburger right afterwards.  It’s true that I never do well with carby foods, but now it’s even more intense.  There’s just no point at all in putting those empty calories in my body.

So that’s all that’s going on this week.  Oh, I almost forgot.  I finally took a photo for you.  This was taken at 9 weeks and 1 day.  It’s hard to tell because I’m so fat (3 goddamn pounds for each of the 4 lost pregnancies!) but I hope you can tell that that is a pregnant belly.  I’m not THAT fat.  It started as a hard bump way down low, but it’s already moved up so that I have a smooth, even curve from ribs to pelvis, which is very strange.  Usually it remains lower and “bumpier” for longer.  And I swear, it’s been 5 days since this photo and I’m way bigger than this now.  I’m going to get crazy-huge.  I can’t wait!

Today I am 9 weeks pregnant!

Things seem to be settling down now.  I’ve had absolutely no bleeding since my last ultrasound, when I was told that I would most likely have more bleeding.  I was finally ready to accept the spotting as normal, and then I didn’t have to deal with it any more.  Well, no matter.  It looks like I’ll get my chance to be calm, cool, and collected when we stop the hormones in just a few days.  My nurse at the infertility clinic told me to expect some spotting when we do.

My nausea disappeared as well.  I’m not sure what happened last Tuesday.  I was so sick that day, but then it got better on Wednesday, and even better on Thursday, and by Friday, I started feeling truly hungry again.  I’m fully prepared to go through additional bouts of morning sickness, but if they are isolated like that, it’s really not so bad.  I was worried that I would continue to feel like that every day.

I’m still not ravenously hungry, though, like I’ve been in all my previous pregnancies.  I’m eating pretty much normally.

I definitely have a belly.  I wish I had taken a photo right when I knew I was pregnant to use as a benchmark, but after taking and posting photos early on in my first, doomed pregnancy in 2009, I was a little gun-shy.  And I’ve just been too lazy in the past couple of weeks to do it.  Maybe I’ll start at 10 weeks.

The fatigue is the only thing that has been really consistent.  I’m skipping my nap today, partially so I can get this blog post written, but also because I am just so behind on all the things I need and want to do.  I wake up at 7:15, usually take an hour and a half nap, and then get into bed to watch TV or read at about 8:30 each night before falling asleep at around 11.  That only leaves about twelve hours of awake, working time.  It’s a real problem.

I have my first official prenatal appointment tomorrow.  We’ll have another ultrasound and decide on screening tests.  I’ll also find out a lot more about what to expect with a twin pregnancy.  I’ve tried not to get ahead of myself surfing the web about it, but I do know that I should probably expect bed rest at some point, and I’m worried that I won’t be able to travel for OCON in early July, when I’ll only be 6 months along.  Other than that, I don’t really know what to expect.  Having twins makes all of this new territory for me, which is actually kind of exciting.

Most importantly, tomorrow is the day I’ve been waiting for, ever since we decided to go with the donor egg option.  Tomorrow is the day that I’ll have the scariest ultrasound – the one that will tell me if my babies made it past the danger period when four of them died before.  Tomorrow is the day that it will become real for me.  I hope.

Yesterday I encountered my latest pregnancy challenge: the dreaded morning sickness.  I woke up nauseated and it got worse as the day went on.  The nausea itself wasn’t that bad, but I had no appetite, which caused a massive blood-sugar crash that lasted the whole day.  It was like having the flu: I was shaking, dizzy, freezing cold, weak, and my muscles ached.  But no matter how bad it was, I couldn’t get myself to eat more than a few bites of food.  Food was revolting.  I didn’t actually vomit, but it was pretty close.

It’s so strange.  I had a couple of moments of mild nausea in the past two weeks, but nothing serious.  In all of my six previous pregnancies, I’ve never suffered more than those mild, rare moments of sickness.  Yesterday, though, it hit me like a ton of bricks.  What changed?

I did try some ginger tea which helps a lot with the nausea, but it doesn’t help me want to eat, which is the real problem (I’ve actually lost a pound in the past month).  Also, this tea has a couple of other herbs in it which are on the “forbidden during pregnancy” list.  I’m drinking a cup right now, but I can’t drink it all day long.  There are other products with ginger, but my nurse-friend says you really need higher amounts of ginger than you’re going to get in most crackers and things.  So I’ll probably check out Trader Joe’s where they seem to have super-strong ginger products, or even make my own tea from fresh ginger.  But I’m not sure how I’m going to find the energy to get to the market at all, let alone cook anything.  And that’s another problem.  I think there might be a few palatable foods out there, but I can’t imagine going to the market feeling like I did yesterday.  I’m sure I’d pass out.

Today, I have managed to eat a bit more.  I also slept until 11am and then took a quick nap after lunch, which I think helped a lot.  Maybe the tea also helped, or maybe I’m just having a better day.  But I’m not cold, which was the worst part about yesterday.  I’d have these episodes where the coldness would start out from my core and just spread throughout my body, ending up in my toes, fingers, and nose. And when it got there it wouldn’t leave.  I kept running my hands under hot water (I was too weak to take a shower) and when I was home, I got under a blanket with a heating pad on my feet.  When I went to bed last night, it took a full hour with the heating pad for me to stop feeling cold.

Today is supposed to be my last day of estrogen and progesterone (8 weeks pregnant today – woohoo!), and stopping the hormones might help.  However, since I’ve been so uptight about miscarriage, my RE suggested that I keep going with them, not because it would lower any risk, but because if I did lose the pregnancy, at least I wouldn’t blame it on stopping the hormones, and therefore, on myself.  Then my OB said I should keep taking them until eleven weeks.  I think his information is just a bit out of date.  But still, I was going to keep going with the hormones until I ran out, which will probably be in a week or two.  Now, I don’t know.  Maybe I should stop them sooner.  I guess I’ll give it a few more days and see how it goes.

Everything is okay!  I called my OB (I’ll call him Dr. K.) and got in this morning for an emergency ultrasound, and Thing 1 and Thing 2 are fine.  I could hardly believe it.  I was already planning to cancel all my appointments for the week in preparation for the dreaded D&C.  I was sure they were gone.

I really freaked out because, along with the blood, I lost my belly.  Seriously, it just flattened out and the skin became looser.  The hard little bump was gone and there was just my usual fat belly.  It didn’t make any sense because it’s not like I bled that much, but that flat belly is what made me more nervous than anything.  Then, last night, the hard little bump came back.   But then it was gone again this morning.  Then it was there right before my shower, but then it was gone after my shower.  When I told Dr. K. about this I said that I must have just been imagining it, but he said that it was possible that it could fluctuate like that and it was probably just a coincidence.  He said that trying to make any predictions or assumptions based on any pregnancy “symptoms” was futile.

He also found what may be the cause of my bleeding – he could see some hemorraghing or clotting or something in my uterus – far away from the two sacs.  There was a name for it but I put it out of my mind explicitly, because he said, “Now don’t go Googling it.  It will scare you for no reason.” Apparently, some people do think there is a correlation with higher miscarriage rates when this thing occurs, but it’s not certain, and I guess Dr. K. doesn’t buy it or thinks whatever possible elevated risk there is is so small that it is not worth considering.  So I put the name out of my mind.  Both Adam and I trust this doctor a lot.

Because of this thing, I will probably have more bleeding, which is both depressing and good to know.  I asked Dr. K. if this thing was the main reason for spotting in early pregnancy and he said, “It’s one reason.  The biggest reason is ‘Unknown.’”  So I’m kind of lucky that he saw anything because knowing a cause that is probably not a problem for the pregnancy is just about the best reassurance I could get.

I asked him how much bleeding would be cause for real concern.  He said, “Really, if it’s like a heavy period, then it might be a problem.”  But he also said that I should make a decision to come back for an ultrasound based on my comfort-level and my own psychology.  I’m not sure what the insurance billing code for “emergency ultrasound due to crazy woman” is, but apparently, he has it and he’s willing to use it.

This whole pregnancy has been insane.  I feel insane.  Adam cancelled his business trip yesterday because I was too depressed and anxious to function.  I needed him here.  I didn’t get out of bed all weekend.  I couldn’t handle the thought of going to an ultrasound without him, and I really felt that I had to get an ultrasound early this week.

So I’m back to being fully optimistic.  I don’t mean I’m sure nothing will go wrong, but just that I have no reason to be concerned.  I know I’m a total nutcase, swinging back and forth every few days, but I there is nothing I can do about it.  Between my past experiences, all the unknowns, the newness of TWINS, the horrible bleeding, not to mention my pregnancy hormones which make rationality a long lost friend, I think I’m just going to have to hang on until this roller coaster comes to a full and complete stop.

I’m only going to do a quick update here and then I’m not going to blog anymore about it because I didn’t intend to make this a play-by-play.  There was no more blood last night, but there was this morning.  Old blood.  Less concern with that, I think, but not as good as nothing at all.

Adam is going on a trip this afternoon and will be gone for three days.  This is killing me, but there’s no reason for him to cancel at this point.  I’m going to have to do the injections instead of the suppositories now, which is stressing me out.  And if something bad happens when he is gone, it will be awful.  Also, I just want to crawl into a hole and sleep for the next ten days and wake up to the results of the next ultrasound.  I don’t know how I can wait that long.  I don’t want to brush my teeth or shower.  The idea that I’ll have to feed and care for Sam by myself for the next three days is overwhelming.  Even the thought of feeding the fish seems like an impossible burden.  But I know I will do it.  It’s just a nightmare.

Assume that no news is good news.  I can’t deal with the extra burden of blogging, either.

I just saw more blood. Much more than before, but still, not too much. But very different. And this time I could feel that something was wrong. The next few hours will tell. If it stops, I might be okay. If not, I’m losing one or both of the Things.

Badness. That’s what we say when our pets are “unhappy.” They have no self-awareness or understanding of what is bothering them. They just experience “badness.”

I have no idea what is going on and there is nothing I can do. Badness.

So I am now 7 weeks, 2 days along.  Except for the spotting, which continues here and there, everything is totally normal.  Things 1 and 2 are the right size and their heartbeats are both around 140 bpm.  I had a bit of a scare at the ultrasound yesterday.  The technician focused in on both of the sacs and I could see the embryos, but I didn’t see the flutter in either one.  Usually, I can spot it right away if it is there.  It was probably one second later that the doctor said, “We see two heartbeats,” but it felt much longer.  Thing 2′s sac measured normal this time, so the slight concern of a problem there is gone.

None of this means we’re out of the woods, but based on my history and the facts we have so far, the most likely problems from here on out would be genetic.  And I’m not worried about that.  In fact, I won’t need to have anything but the standard screening tests done.  No amnio, no CVS, nothing. Because of the young eggs, I am considered “low-risk” for those problems.  So the “most likely” problem is actually a very unlikely problem.  I am definitely optimistic!

My due date is technically September 28, but twins usually come 2-3 weeks early.  If I can make it past Sam’s birthday on September 2, the Things will be well-cooked and ready to come out.  Actually, they would probably do fine even earlier than that, but I have that date set in my head as a goal.  There is a little bit of extra concern about prematurity because Sam was born over 2 weeks early.  That is not considered premature, but it is certainly not normal.  It could have been normal for me and for her, but it also could have been a problem that was never identified, and which could happen again.  I’ll be discussing this with my ob soon.

The spotting has continued, but it is very minor.  When it began, my chances of having a healthy baby went down from about 90% to  about 50%.  (No, I was not freaking out for no reason.  Spotting may be somewhat “normal” in healthy pregnancies, but it is much more “normal” when a miscarriage is imminent.)  But my understanding is that once you see a heartbeat, the presence of spotting becomes almost irrelevant to the chances of success.  I also think (but this is Internet information) that spotting is a bit more common with twins.  So, I’ve learned to live with the spotting.

We have to continue the estrogen and progesterone until I reach 8 weeks.  That’s less than a week away!  I will be so happy to be done with these shots.  They are not as painful now that we’re using a different oil medium and doing two shots a day, but it’s a hassle, and there is always some soreness.  I’m also a bit concerned that I’m having my first allergic reaction to latex, because of the band-aids I’ve been using constantly at the injection sites.  I’m allergic to a few fruits, and there is a correlation between those allergies and latex allergy, so I was told to always claim a latex allergy with doctors, because even though I had never had a reaction, I might develop the allergy suddenly.  I’ve done so, but I didn’t think about what having band-aids on my butt 24/7 would do.  I woke up last night itching like crazy.

Actually, Adam is going on a business trip on Sunday, so my choice was either do the shots myself in my thigh or to switch to the suppositories.  I tried the thigh shot once and decided it wasn’t worth it.  It’s a lot more painful that way.  So I got a free sample of the suppositories just to hold me over until I reach 8 weeks on Wednesday.

As for pregnancy symptoms, mainly I have fatigue.  I take a long nap almost every day.  Sam pointed to my chest the other day and asked, “Are they getting bigger?” but I don’t see it.  I’m more clumsy than usual.  Also, I’ve been feeling cold quite often.  I need to ask my ob about anemia.  Everyone wants to know if I have morning sickness and the answer is not really, but I have been slightly nauseated a few times.  Some foods are repellent to me, but only at certain times of the day, and as long as I don’t think about eating them, I’m fine.  What makes me nauseated is water.  Drinking a lot of water during pregnancy is important, but the damn stuff makes me want to puke.

I haven’t experienced my favorite pregnancy symptom yet: extreme hunger.  Actually, it would be nice if I don’t get that this time around because it’s a hassle to have to eat so much.  But I do love the feeling that my body is telling me to feed the parasite, and the eating itself is the first way a mother gets to take care of her offspring.  I have had cravings, though.  Last night I ate buttered egg noodles and ice cream for dinner.  That is not something I would ever do normally, not just because of the health issues, but because those are not foods that would ever satisfy me.  But they did last night.  I also bought some weird stuff at the grocery store the other day: potato chips AND tortilla chips, pepperoni (which I eat with Laughing Cow cheese – I make little sandwiches with the pepperoni as bread and the cheese as the innards), lots of soup, and, yes, I bought half-sour pickles.  I didn’t look for them.  They found me, I swear.

I am definitely getting a belly already.  I only have four pairs of pants that fit now, and because I didn’t time the laundry right, I had to wear sweats the other day.  A couple more weeks and I’ll have to start raiding my old stash of maternity clothes.  I’ve always gotten a belly early, but this is really something!

Another great thing is that my “mystery pain” is almost non-existent.  This may be because I stopped exercising, but I really do think that the pregnancy is going to keep that at bay.  I’m hoping that my psoriasis goes into remission as well so I don’t have to use the topical steroids, but no luck with that so far.

My next step is my first appointment with my regular ob-gyn at 9 weeks.  I delayed that appointment a bit because he’s going to do another ultrasound, and I wanted it to happen well after the point at which I’ve suffered all the miscarriages before.  I’m sure I’ll learn a lot more about pregnancy with twins at that point.  I’m trying hard not to get ahead of myself so I’ve done almost no web surfing on the subject yet.

All of this is what is going on at 7 weeks.  Granted, I didn’t get pregnant in the usual way, but still, it’s a lot.  I want those of you who have never gone through this to recognize that, when you hear people announce their pregnancies at 12 or 16 weeks, a lot of stuff has been happening that you never hear much about.  I still have over a month to go before the 12 week mark!  I’m letting you know, because this part of pregnancy is the part that nobody talks about.  It’s the mysterious part.  It’s the scary part.  And we all usually go through it very alone.  So next time you get the announcement: “I’m 3 months pregnant!” you’ll have some idea of what that really means.

I just graduated from the infertility clinic!

We still have two little heartbeats, growing and doing just fine.

Next stop – the regular ob-gyn.

But first, I need a nap.

It’s twins!  We saw two heartbeats!  We’re not out of the woods yet, but I’m back to newsletters and calendar entries.  And I’m adding on planning for Sam to continue in Montessori through third grade instead of homeschooling right after primary.  And we’ve already started hitting up the grandparents for help this fall. And I’m thinking we need a minivan.

I’m assuming everything will be just fine, until and unless something goes wrong.  I don’t even feel too worried about getting past the eight week mark.  That was a problem with my eggs which doesn’t exist anymore.  I’m just a normal pregnant lady now.  Well, except for the part about twins.

Smelling salts, please!

Both of the embryos measured just right, and their heartbeats were strong and just the right speed.  But one of the sacs measured a bit small.  This could be a problem or it could be that it was too early to get an accurate measurement.  We were really lucky to see the heartbeats at all.  I’m not worried.

Adam dubbed them Thing 1 and Thing 2.  He kind of stole the idea from Jenn, but I’m keeping it because it is irresistible, given the name of my blog and the fact that we already have Sam-I-Am.

I’m sorry for leaving you all hanging on Sunday.  We were in New York and there has been no time to write again until now.  I’ll write about our trip later. I did manage to have some fun.

I haven’t had any more spotting since Saturday.  All that means is that I’m not having a miscarriage right now.  It doesn’t give me any more encouragement than that, though.  I still think something is probably wrong.  I am fully prepared to lose this pregnancy.  No more newsletters or calendar entries for me.

I’ve spent the past four days going to the bathroom every half hour, and being scared to death every single time.  But not checking is worse.  After I check, I feel good for about ten minutes and then it starts to nag at me – what if I’m bleeding again right now?  It’s gotten less intense as time has gone by, but there has not been one trip to the bathroom when I didn’t feel like I was going to see the beginning of the end.

I wonder if I would feel this stressed out if I hadn’t just gone through four miscarriages.  Actually, I think I was even more stressed out when this happened last year.  The thought of having two miscarriages in a row was so horrifying that I could hardly contemplate the possibility.  During the two weeks or so when I had no bleeding, I never felt comfortable, and I did the bathroom check the entire time.  Then the spotting started again, and then it became real bleeding.  I was in such denial.  I scoured the chat boards for stories of women who had bled heavily but still had babies.  I expected the bleeding to stop at any moment.  But, really, I knew that pregnancy was a goner from the beginning.  I don’t really feel that way this time – I’m not sure it’s a goner – I’m just not expecting success any more.  And I suppose I’ve gotten used to miscarriages.  The idea of two in a row was unthinkable.  Five in a row blows my crow – five is just another number that means “multiple.”  I’ve learned how to deal with it, I guess.

The ultrasound is tomorrow – six weeks and one day along.  I’m glad it is soon, but there’s one problem with that.  We were supposed to schedule it for closer to seven weeks, but Adam’s and the doctor’s schedule didn’t allow it.  So we might not see a heartbeat tomorrow, but that might not mean anything.  It’s questionable whether I’m far enough along to see a heartbeat at six weeks.  So if we get good news – great!  But if we get bad news, it will probably be indeterminate, so hell will continue.