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Samantha: PINK PEN MOMMY. PINK PEN MOMMY.
Me: Here is the pink pen. Use it responsibly.
Sam: EE-POS-I-BEE.
Me: Responsibly.
Sam: EE-POSSS-I-BEE.
Me: Responsibly. Do you know what that means? It means use it the way it is supposed to be used – on the paper. [With a thumbs up sign] Yes?
Sam: DEE-YO.
Me: What?
Sam: DEE-YO.
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand.
Sam, putting the pen down and clasping one hand in the other: DEAL!
After having lived in 9 cities now, I can tell you that people who have only lived in one place all have two things in common:
Ok, so I’m exaggerating. Not all people think these things, but I’ve seen it quite often.
I find the different driving norms in various places to be quite interesting. In mid-Michigan, people would make left turns against oncoming traffic and cut it really close, but for a right turn they would barely put on any gas until the turn was almost complete. In Chicago, people were just plain stupid drivers. It was common for people to make right turns from the left lane and vice versa. In Boston, they were extremely aggressive. One time, someone threw a Big Gulp out his window at Adam for not moving fast enough – not at Adam’s car, but at his head, through the open window! In New Orleans, the lack of ambition in the culture showed in the driving, where people were too lazy to push hard on the gas pedal, but also too lazy to move their foot to the brake for red lights, so they’d just keep going and run them. Here in the DC area, people don’t understand the left turn yield. Most traffic lights here seem to have a green left arrow, but a few have a green left arrow and then change to just the green light and you can turn when traffic is clear. And people just don’t go! It happens all the time and it makes me crazy.
This is probably why Sam yells at every green light, GO PEOPLE, GO!
Three Good Things for the day:
Christmas or Mardi Gras?
Three Good Things for the day:
I need more than Three today:
The best of the week is up at Rule of Reason! I haven’t had a chance to read anything yet but a few of the titles are intriguing.
Right after we go and tell the Montessori teacher that Samantha is more interested in dolls and role-playing than in building with blocks or physical activity, she decides that Legos and toy cars are her most favorite toys in the world.
And she’s going to be a teenager someday.
I find that it is almost impossible to do good parenting work when I am not feeling well, either mentally or physically. If I am sick, or stressed out, or just really tired, being a parent is painful for me, and no fun for my daughter either. Of course, all work is difficult under these circumstances, but I’m talking about something more specific than having to push yourself through discomfort or fatigue. I’m talking about the fact that being a good parent requires a positive attitude – a certain kind of positive attitude.
When I’m down, I can take the exact same actions I do normally, but they just don’t work. I can change a diaper and cook a dinner, but if I’m not having fun, my daughter doesn’t have fun either. This sets up a bad cycle of grumpiness where battles and tantrums (for both of us) are inevitable.
Especially at my daughter’s age of 2 1/2, so many problems are easily solved with fun. When I was brushing her teeth last night she started to get testy. (As an aside – can you blame her? Can you imagine if you had to let somebody else brush your teeth every day? I call this one of the “indignities” of being young, just like having her diaper changed. She’s old enough to do much of the work herself, but I still have to get into her personal business. I go out of my way to respect her boundaries as much as possible in these cases.) So she got testy, and I almost said to her, “this is serious now,” but as I said the word “serious” I realized that it really wasn’t, and I changed my tone in mid-sentence and made it a joke. “This is serious beeeees-neees. Look at my serious face.” And I made a funny face and she cracked up and we had a great time finishing up with her teeth.
When I’m down, this isn’t going to happen naturally. If I’m in a bad mental state, I am less likely to think of interesting new things to do, I am less active, and I’m withdrawn from Samantha, emotionally. You can’t engage a toddler with, “let’s just lie on the couch and relax today,” when they have a driving need to explore, to do, to play, and to interact with the people they are close to. Being a parent means entering this world with your child. In normal circumstances, it’s pretty easy. When you don’t have the energy to cross that divide, it is torture.
Sometimes I can fake it and sometimes I can’t. I don’t think I have a duty to fake it for my daughter’s sake – I think it’s ok for her to see me in different moods and states. But it sure makes life easier for me if I can fake it up front rather than suffer even more later, after the situation has degraded.
Parenting is work, but it is also a relationship. I suppose there are other careers that require that same level of connectedness: nurses, actors, and teachers all have to relate to others as a primary function of their jobs. But I’ve never had a job like this before. Even when I was sick, I could write some code, participate in meetings, and do whatever the heck else I used to do when I worked. I might have been a bit slower, or I might have had to put off a particularly hard task for another time, or I might have even pissed off some co-workers, but none of those things caused feedback that made me feel and perform even worse.
Being a professional parent doesn’t come with sick days. It doesn’t even come with sick moments. But isn’t that yet another way that being a parent makes you a better person? When you stop having fun, you get instant, negative feedback. And when you do the work to cross that divide into your child’s world - that benevolent, fascinating, fun world - you get to live there.
Three Good Things for the day:
Three Good Things for the day:
Three Good Things for the day is a tough assignment today:
Samantha likes to close her eyes and turn around in circles until she’s falling-down dizzy. Have you tried it lately? It’s kind of fun.
Today was a good day. Here are Three Good Things:
I love identifying examples of Samantha’s sense of order. The world must still be something of a jumbled up flux to her, and she’s working so hard at integrating her experience into chunks she can deal with. Socks must be put in the shoes before shoes are put away; bib must be on before beginning to eat; dolls must be on their tummies for “nap.” Her rules, not mine.
This morning we were sitting at my computer. I was reading blogs and she was sitting on my lap drawing with my pens. I needed a bathroom break, so I told her I had to get up for a minute, and that she could draw more after I used the bathroom. I started to take her off my lap, but she reached for the pens. Instead of saying no, I waited to see what she would do. She put the caps back on all 3 of the pens she had opened, and put them in the cup. Then she was ready to get down.
Just now, she picked up her Tupperware container of crayons, brought it to her table in the kitchen, colored something (I hope not the wall), and then brought the container back to its place on the shelf.
It’s very rare that I have to explain to Sam which things should go in the trash and which should not. Same goes for the laundry basket, and the kitchen sink. She seems to have picked it all up from watching me.
Maria Montessori and Cornelia Lockitch taught me about children’s need for order. It seems to be common wisdom these days that kids need routine and structure in the events of their days, but they also need for things to have their place, and for this to be consistent.
It’s a great excuse for nagging the husband to put things away, too.
Three Good Things for the day:
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