Comments on: Taking Turns

By: Bill Brown

Bill Brown — Tue, 21 Apr 2009 04:22:46 +0000

I’ll have to ponder whether I’ve seen that look myself. I understand the reluctance to chance external motivation.

By: Amy

Amy — Mon, 20 Apr 2009 23:29:21 +0000

Bill, yes, I get the shared pride look, too. But sometimes she isn’t smiling yet and you can tell she’s looking to me to see if I approve, and only smiles after I do. I don’t think that’s the end of the world – I’m just trying not to go overboard with the “good jobs” and such.

By: Bill Brown

Bill Brown — Mon, 20 Apr 2009 05:50:51 +0000

Thanks for clarifying. I’d always taken the look to me as an invitation to share her pride, as in “look at how well I colored this princess.” (I took it that way especially when that is what was explicitly said by the child.) I’ll have to read the book again.

By: Amy

Amy — Sun, 19 Apr 2009 18:53:32 +0000

Bill, not quite. Even specific praise should be limited, in their view. The idea is to avoid evaluations and to simply let your child know that you see what he/she has done. If he/she makes a nice drawing, say, “I see you drew a cross and a circle and used three different colors!” instead of “Nice drawing.” This lets the child know that you are really paying attention, but doesn’t tie his/her self-esteem to your evaluation or approval.

Again, I think some praise is fine. I don’t think praise is inherently wrong, but just that it can be overdone, and also that it can be lazy. I’ve already observed Sam do something good and look to me for a “good job” or a smile. I’d rather see her do something good and smile to herself.

By: Bill Brown

Bill Brown — Sun, 19 Apr 2009 03:44:22 +0000

Oh yes, Liberated Parents. I guess it’s time to give that book another read—it’s been awhile.

So your beef with praise (and presumably theirs as well) is that it’s vague and more like “you’re a good kid” instead of “you do this thing well” and can lead to toady-like behavior? Is that a fair assessment?