Independence

March 11, 2009 in Montessori, Parenting | 8 comments

I just mailed the check to secure Samantha’s spot in the Montessori school we chose.  I can’t wait for her to start.  And it turns out, I don’t have to.  They have a toddler program.  Starting Wednesday, once a week for 7 weeks, Sam will go to Montessori with me for about an hour and a half.   This is the perfect reason to reduce her day care time to 2 half days per week, which I’ve been wanting to do anyway to save money and also because I just don’t like this new day care as much as her first one.

I wish we could attend the Montessori program right before the school year starts, but they don’t have any summer programs at this school.  Still, it’s a good way for her to get used to the environment, and I’ll bet that I get some good ideas for nurturing her independence at home.  Speaking of which, check out this video (HT: Principled Parent) of a 20-month-old being raised by two Montessori-trained parents.  It’s a bit long but if you’ve never seen young toddlers acting this way, you might need the time to pick your jaw up off the floor.

I took notes, and here are the things I might try at home:

  • Put Sam’s mattress on the floor.  We were just about to go from crib to toddler bed, so I’ll consider this option. 
  • Put a step near her dining chair with booster seat so that she can climb up and down herself.  I’ve been struggling with how to help her do this independently, but I never thought of a stool for some reason.  (Sam is probably the same size as the 20-month-old in the video, so she is just too small to do many things kids her age normally do.)
  • Set up a pitcher of water and cup on a low shelf in the kitchen for her to get her own drinks.  She is really bad at pouring so this will be good practice.
  • Get her a backpack.  If a 20-month-old can carry one, even little Sam can too.

We’ve also always struggled with washing hands.  Sam loves to wash her hands and hates it when we help, but she can’t reach any sinks in the house, even when on a high stool.  I have to pull out the retractable faucet in the kitchen and she gets very angry about that.  (And when the sink is full of dirty dishes she just doesn’t get to wash her hands at all).  When we visited the Montessori school, we realized all we have to do is to set out a bowl of water, soap, sponge, and towel.  Sometimes you just don’t see the obvious solution!

One other thing I would note from that video:  I would never spend the amount of time necessary for Sam to “help” me in the kitchen as much as Edison did.  I try to let her help in ways that actually help me.  I’ll do a little extra work, like helping her wash her hands after cracking an egg, or asking her to get things for me from the cabinets, but spending that kind of time would be a sacrifice for me.  (I really have to finish my introductory post on Selfish Parenting.)  At a certain point, it feels very forced to let a child “help” when they are not really helping.  Edison seemed to do a good job, but when I’ve had Sam do similar things she just wants to play with the food.  She’ll help me wipe and dust and sweep all day, but when food is around she just wants to rub it all over her face.  Maybe that’s just a difference in different kids, but I’m not going for that one.

  1. Bill Brown on March 11, 2009 at 6:43 pm

    I watched that video and I honestly can’t see what the fuss is all about. I don’t remember exactly when my daughters were doing all of those things, but they’re certainly doing them now and have been for a while. Let’s posit that they didn’t do them that early, that it took them until 2½ to capably pour a glass of milk (or even 3). So what?

    They get these developmental skills when they get them. Irrespective of Montessori, everyone learns how to pour a glass of water or feed an animal. If he does it 6 months (or a year) earlier, is he more independent than one who does it later? Does that mean that he’ll soar to new heights that the late bloomer couldn’t even conceive? Obviously not.

    I used to be in awe of Montessori … until I had kids. Now I just don’t see the value. Maybe we’re just not stifling parents who don’t allow our kids to do things. Is that the cohort that benefits from Montessori education?

    All sarcasm aside, I’m honestly curious about the benefit of driving towards independence this early.

  2. Amy on March 11, 2009 at 7:52 pm

    Bill,

    As always, thanks for your comments. I haven’t heard a dissent from the pro-Montessori camp in so long, it’s nice to think about it anew.

    Montessori is not about “getting ahead.” It’s about challenging the child at the right level, at the right time, so that he gains a sense of efficacy and self-esteem. I firmly believe this will help Samantha develop what Ayn Rand called, “The Benevolent Universe Premise.” Of course, she has free will and it will be up to her in the end, but I believe the Montessori framework is a good way to keep from killing that natural feeling and sense of one’s place in the world. It’s all about learning that one is competent to accomplish things in the world. All kids get this naturally with every development they make, but I’ve seen firsthand the joy that Sam gets when she stretches herself. I don’t believe in pushing too hard, but just taking away barriers like high shelves and too-small caps can be all the push a child needs to try something new.

    Montessori is about recognizing the stage of development the individual child is in at the time. (Movement, language, sensorial, order). It is never about forcing a child to do things that don’t interest him or that he is not ready for. I feel early potty training is a bad idea for that reason, as well as things like forcing memorization of object names with flash-cards.

    My daughter is a late bloomer, as I’ve said before. I don’t care one whit about that. I want her to have a chance to do what she is capable of now for the sake of her sense of her relationship with the world. It’s so easy to do things for her; I have to constantly work on letting go and making opportunities available (not opposites, but complementary). Montessori is absolutely not about “driving” towards independence early. It’s about not killing the natural drive that the child has to do just that. And if you try it too early, you will hurt it so that can be a problem too. It’s a delicate balance, but overall, I think people underestimate children.

    Example: When Sam interviewed at one Montessori school, they asked Adam and me what we hoped to get for her out of Montessori. We listed off things like independence, a love of learning, a good foundation for future academic work, etc. The teacher said, “Whew. What a breath of fresh air. You wouldn’t believe how many parents answer things like ‘we want our son to go to Princeton.’” She found that type of pressure to start “achieving” early to be repugnant and wrong.

    I err on the side of doing nothing rather than providing too much structure and pressure. (I suspect the cooking in the vid was an example of “driving” the child, but who knows, maybe Edison was interested in that and it was natural for their family. It’s not for us, so we don’t do it.)

    I shouldn’t have said that Sam is bad at pouring. I think I feel a bit guilty that I haven’t given her much practice. But this is a great example. I should give her some opportunity, but if she’s not ready, that is totally fine. And either way, this one issue is not really that big of a deal. It’s much more about the whole environment, not individual skills.

    I didn’t understand the “cohorts” paragraph, but maybe you mean that Montessori is only needed as an antidote to stifling parents?

    Maybe I need to write a post on this. I’m not sure if I ever did.

  3. Bill Brown on March 13, 2009 at 12:52 pm

    It’s hard to talk about this without sounding like I’m bragging, but we just didn’t see anything at any Montessori school that our two oldest weren’t already doing at a mastery level, at least. My wife stays at home with them and she’s a former teacher (though not Montessori trained and hasn’t read any of the books).

    We’re very child-focused and independence-oriented. We don’t make special food for our kids; they eat what we eat. If they’re interested in something, we interest ourselves and work to further their interests. She has Mommy School periodically where she challenges them to learn new things.

    But we’re definitely more authoritarian than people like Jenn or Kim. We provide explanations behind rules and remind them of those explanations when they continue to run afoul of them, but at some point we insist on compliance. As I’ve mentioned before, I think there is a lot of “optional” in parenting. Our children are independent and we regard our job as channelling that energy and independence towards more appropriate ends. And especially helping them to internalize that process so that they can at some point exercise self-control.

    I definitely need to write up a post on rational authoritarian parenting, but I’m still working on a precise definition and especially the differentiation aspects.

    (And I wouldn’t say that I’m not pro-Montessori one bit. I see plenty of people who can’t stay home with their kids, whose time together is similarly limited, or who are not as conscientious in their parenting. The kids of those people would certainly benefit from a Montessori approach. I just don’t think our children would get anything out of it. The preschool we ended up choosing isn’t anything advanced, but it provides a similar structure to kindergarten and beyond so they can start getting used to taking direction from someone other than Mommy and interacting with kids other than family.)

  4. Bill Brown on March 13, 2009 at 12:53 pm

    And we probably just lucked out genetically with great kids. :-)

  5. Amy on March 14, 2009 at 8:09 am

    Bill – Yes, you do not sound anti-Montessori at all. It sounds like you are reacting to what might seem to be an avalanche of like-minded people who are sending their kids to Montessori. Of course, it’s not necessary, and not right at all for some families. I’d love to read that post you hinted at. I’m not sure why you include “authoritarian” in the label based on what you said. I’d also like to hear how you “insist on compliance.” I want to find the best method for doing that when it is necessary (even though I probably do it less than you), and I’m still confused about it.

    I know you’re kidding about the genetics because you adopted, but aren’t some of your kids biological? I never could figure that out from your wife’s blog.

  6. Bill Brown on March 14, 2009 at 11:55 pm

    I used “authoritarian” because I’m still struggling to define the tenets precisely. Our parenting style is considerably more traditional (hence authoritarian) than most of the Objectivist parents who blog. It’s not “do this because I said so” but there is an element of that eventually if the children aren’t persuaded by the explanation or can’t really grasp the explanation. It’s hard to explain so I’m going to refrain until I can do something more formal.

    My oldest was a domestic adoption. 12 days later we had our first biological child. 18 months later, another biological child. Lastly, the adoption of our son from Ethiopia in December 2008. It’s quite an amalgamation.

  8. Amy on March 15, 2009 at 3:21 pm

    Bill – wow, you must have been overwhelmed with the first 2 kids so close together!

    I really would like to hear more about your parenting style whenever you feel ready to write about it.